[News] George W. Bush Elected Pope ... Cardinals Stunned!

[News at freedomarchives.org]

George W. Bush Elected Pope ... Cardinals Stunned!
  Reported by Monsignor Guido Sarducci

   The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose a 
successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed amazement.

   Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican spokesperson had this to say...

   "We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our vote's using these new 
electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored George W. 
Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John Paul, was a 
superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages, this one can't speak 
fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."

   The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as 
President of the world tomorrow morning, when "W' travels to Rome to begin 
his duties as Pope.

   George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden:
   "I am honored to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope. I 
promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that I will be embodied 
in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties.

   I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as 
many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as it is 
well known that Heaven is a very select place, indeed, it is more exclusive 
than even the best of country clubs. It is a members only Heaven. I may 
have to put a fence around it.

   I will perform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God used 
to wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning whole towns of 
perverts, killing off entire nations, and drowning everybody without a 
ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall deliver the world from Evil Empires as 
I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.

   I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased 
family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow those 
awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will put and end 
to the Clergy marrying Choirboys.

   I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed 
heathens-possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's Pseudo-religions that 
don't accept the Lord as the Light of Democracy, and who worship fake, 
made-up gods.
   They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them 
with my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in Hell, 
because Me and God don't take no prisoners!"

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