[News] PAUL O'NEILL CAPTURED

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Breaking News
Updated January 14, 2004



PAUL O'NEILL CAPTURED

'Good Riddance,' Says Bush

Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill was captured Tuesday night in a 
surprise raid on the PBS studios in New York, the Pentagon confirmed
today.

"We got him," a coolly confident Vice President Dick Cheney announced to 
the press moments after Mr. O'Neill was apprehended.

At a Pentagon briefing, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the 
military determined Mr. O'Neill's whereabouts after reading the TV
Guide.

According to Secretary Rumsfeld, Special Forces operatives swarmed over the 
PBS set shortly after 7 PM (EST), accidentally shooting Jim Lehrer
before releasing him and nabbing Mr. O'Neill. Hours later, images were 
beamed around the world showing the former Treasury Secretary being 
examined by a military doctor and checked for lice.

Defending the decision to seize Mr. O'Neill, Mr. Rumsfeld said that the 
Patriot Act permits former Cabinet members who make insulting remarks
about the White House to be arrested and detained forever. "Maybe Mr. Jerky 
should've thought twice before shooting his mouth off, eh?" Mr. Rumsfeld 
chuckled.

Speaking from the Summit of Americas in Mexico, President George W. Bush 
greeted the news of Mr. O'Neill's capture with a buoyant "good
riddance."  Arguing that "the world is a safer place" with Mr. O'Neill in 
custody, Mr. Bush added, "Mr. Paul O'Neill is no longer free to call people 
blind and deaf who are not actually blind and/or deaf."


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